that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
