Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The power of my boobs compel you
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
