All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
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