watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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