There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
