sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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