Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
