I CAN MOONWALK!
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
