Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
