How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
