she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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