the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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