Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
