11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
