I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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