She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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