What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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