Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
