i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
