so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
