I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
