Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
