Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize