So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
