Apparently you make a good broom.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
