i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
