it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
