So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
