It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
