when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
