2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
