I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
