I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
