Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
