Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
