I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you have to choose: penises or morals?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
