Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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