Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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