Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He better not be in your backpack
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
