he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I need water and some morals
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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