I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
