My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
