my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
