How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize