i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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