i just had sex bonerless
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
