am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
