two words: eviction party
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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