I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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