we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
