My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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