sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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