Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
