Only a mothe r could love this liver
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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