I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
