i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
